August 23, <3: Its the day before I turn 13 my family friends came <3 Last day of being a kid tbh I'm calm about it still like a dramtic film thats cringe for the most part at the end you ust have to miss it a tensy bit. and I went on Omgle for the first time spolier don't do it lol they didn't see us bc we had a squishy covering up the camera today the other thing that happened is that my nose bleed. And :3 I got early birthday presnts fancy hats, a camera a dollar also I took a pocket knife and a little leather bookbag and I got new shoes, my family has a massive collection of items we get second hand ( trust me its good ) so its like a magic portal. Like when a dear friend comes over and shit gets borning but then they leave and you stay with them for as kong as possible you hug them for hours (when its really minutes but in the econamic state of the world, who cares anymore?) and you want them back but it won't be for a while you just want to extend the exist even though it was borning because it felt like a home. Like a movie at the end you always want more and its always bitter because it means that moment ended. Ya know the end of a terrible (sucky) cringey movie that you are watching with your family thats dumbass like for most of it and you just don't care at all until its the end and then you are trying to squeeze all of the enjoyment out of it and then their are a few amazing sences that feel like MLP (my little pony) sunshine and magic that memorize you. Yea today felt like that tbh most of it felt normal and normal for me feels numb like my family memebers can hold me and love me so much and I can only do an immitation of love. I hold their hand but inside there is nothing there like a toy home. So somtimes I feel like plastic same thing if I get anything and no matter how much love was given I'll always feel numb not painful but more like anathesia. When I get things I always feel slightly gulity like a small bitter in my mouth because that thing doesn't matter. Not that im depressed or sad lol or anything I think compaired to most peoople I have a relatively postive outlook on life
I belive in change, I belive in Africa, I think that Palestine will someday be freed and I belive in freedom.And I belive in wikipedia I belive in anonymity I belive that if you leave a child in a room with the avrage adult that child won't get raped. Instead the avrage adult would take care of the child I think we have more hope then pedofiles more people who would help kids then harm those little gerbil germilin angels<3 I think people are good and I depritely belive in hope <3. But somtimes I feel hollow not in a cutting way just in a mild way.
On The last day of 7thgrade the english teacher gave us back our letters we made in the start to review and all of my friends I made that year said that while they wrote dpressing letters mine was probally about MLP <3
I know what is "good" and what is "bad" and I stick to it but sometimes it feels fake like a plastic house. My friends make promises but behind their backs I break them I lie well. Next year I want to try out fot the school play maybe I can act and pretend that I can sing. I love the start of the school year like a brand new milliemnum or a new book like fresh crayons new clothes and a promise of a brand new girl by wearing new clothes you can become a different person imagine a trad wife in old orignal acaul scene and every year comes a newsurprize ily talia <3 if you are reading this
A shoutout to Talia:
<3 talia thx, you made my year from wildwood busdrives to stopping me from freezing in the cold. I owe my 7th grade to you thanks I don't desreve you. your beautful and just like when we are at the libary your phone is my phone my room is your room and my keyboard is ur computer <3 I hope you make it in nyc I hope you become an actress or achive what ever fills your hearts thanks for trusting me and teaching me how to tell everything to friends ilysm I don't deserve you but I always hope Im friends with you ily . I love you. thank you.
I have regrets and grivencs and more regrets I wish I was a costimizeable avatar and that I could change myself like I change a online avatar but I cant. I wish I could time travel. I wish I could deestory prementally all of the worst parts of my brain. But I cant so I have to live with all of my parts even the onces that grew like cancer. I have things i'm ashamed of. But I have to simpley live with it. And thats life even if you hate it you are still here so at least die knowing you got over it. Even if its pointless because you need to cling on to somthing to live like Jermey in Class of 09 (w/o taking pictures in the womans lockerroom to harass people or shoot people ~ I watched 1 hour of gamplay today). Even if its hopless none of it matters anyway so at least you can do because none of it matters so at least cling on to make this small fraglie place thats a world safe and cradle it in your hands like its a baby.
These past 12 years have been nice I was born in a good place I gone though change. Time flys its true. Like this blog flies into your hands one place blends into another I think I feel the 2010s, I miss the 2010s. Time flies. I miss my 5th birthday that tasted like a bottle of sweet frutero alteo summer at my old daycare M&S the teacher was named karen and my mom went to pick me up while I was in the pool. I used to need only friends. It wasn't all sunshine but my old eyes used to see rings of rainbows I felt restricted because I wanted to run free like a butterfly but my parents wanted to keep me away from all of the traps.
Butterflies do have short lifespans. Like childhood nothing can survive. Roses die after all but their flesh brings new life. But I never want to live enough to be dead before my funreal and you can't rosetint it much.
When somthing dies it dead.
Its like that internet algoirthm wisdom on tumblr, animals can smell the dead no matter how much you cover it up its rotting and the animals can smell it. No matter how much purfume you spray or lace you spread like a mummy. We look at the past with rose tinted glasses. Everyone used to be pure, babies are sunshine but the horror of life is seeing things twisted into thing that they never where and how all of that racism mysoginony and what ever other evils are internilzed its desesitivity and then what once had you scream squell looks like a morning paper.I've always feared ended up twisted into somthing I hated. Commited somthing I couldn't take back. Like how the sun is always in the sky, blood is always is on your hands you can wash it out but it always happened. and you can't take it out. Regret is the worst. The truth is like the sun its always in the sky no matter if you cover it up.
Because thats what happened on that moment in that moment. Periods are hard like facts so thats why ever fact ends in one.
Middle school is plain, they say its suppsoed to be a BANG BAM KA-POW comic book style but its like a bath balm slowly desloving and then oneday you notice what used to be pink is light purple, red turns to blue. And its not bad its just different so all you have to do is get used to it. I think thats most of growing up getting used to it. Get used to toilet passes. Get used to rules, get used to horror until it becomes comedy, until it becomes funny an you laugh until you pee a bit but you have to hold it in. Its seeing chaos and things ruined while others try to save what they love.
If I had to say where I came from I'd say the internet not America not Algeria, 2 things the school and the interet, internet kids say that they woundn't want to have it any other way but I would I love the internet its my home but with more privacy and lss corpration bullshit would be nice to me, the computer is my home the internet is our home and lets keep it that way .
This is my last day being a kid wish me luck, and now here is a letter to furtue me.
Dear furture me 2030+, how are you? are you looking at this in jail or in court for what? An Edward Snowden act? Or a truely twisted one. Have you become all that I fear? All I dispise are you, the dream girl of my dreams, are bi, lesibian or straight tbh it doesn't matter. Please rember what you are here for human rights to create a world in witch all people in all ways can breathe. Do somthing herotic. Have guts and shove them up your head, are you suing shit heads or clibing though law school.
Remeber what we are here for.
Do you have the buliding of your dreams not fancy or extragant but a place for artists and humansrights people and engieers inspired of what apple was suppsoed to be and frutro altro was supposed to be. rember I wanted to have southpark charecters on the bathroom doors and the whole place gets funded by univeritys. Did you make a film? Do you live in a small crusty apartment in LA or just cali in gernreal? Who did you meet? Maybe Yeonmipark or Edward Snowden or Steve Woziac are you a lawyer for the EEF or the Internet Achive did you meetthe person who made LokiIRL or SP Please rember don't get sallowed by the machine thats called corpate/modren life. Is ai everywhere? Is there protest? I know that the world won't be a painting of our dreams but it can be close. 2030 feels like it'll never happen as our world gets more corprate and government grey and home dies off. But maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Don't fuck up, Don't be twisted, and rember why your here. please don't fuck. Rember red and wwdemocracy. I hope the word REVOLT and REVLOUTION is a word screemed on the streets and not a brand name. Its fine if you go to jail, flee the country and die. If you die be happy if you did somthing like Edward Snowden or a Hong Kong protester, don't be bendiable, because thats the worst. Do you have a tedtalk and do someday do the people ever get their furtures/lives back?
To anyone whos reading this Happy Birthday <3 take care.
Its fucking late right now and I stayed up so much its now my birthday <3 (celebration noises) (thing you blow with thats for parties) https://www.youtube.com/@poutypwincess (use an adblocker) I spent time watching her videos, when ever a celebration or an event thats important to me happens I watch poutypwincess she once even replyed to my comment :) I love home made movies and hers are magical they feel like the bottled up residue of old disney movies I love her themes and script, on the cafe one (released 14 hours when she wrote this) when she said,
"As I sat there sipping my tea I couldn't help but feel a sense of nostalgia about a world I forgotten. A time when life was as sweet as the desserts we ate. The sound of a child voice called out to me, almost as if she has been waiting for me all of this time. I wanted to live in this world forever but even in dreams all things must come to an end.
For the angels who have fallen
the girls stuck in between everything
there is a place where you belong
a place to call home every laugh or cry no matter what
I'll always be here waiting for you." ~poutypwincess
home always stays. "Because maybe home isn't always the place you come from, maybe its the place that saves a seat just for you." (~poutypwincess) well happy birthday to me I guess I have to leave one of my manny homes now and finally go to sleep. (its 1:06 August 24)
Roll End Credits...... until next time see ya loveies